For whatever reason, it’s been a hard week. I think it’s a combination of things. I have tons of work that piled up while I was in Europe. Everyone is pregnant again or having babies. I have surgery in a week. And Mark who keeps me de-stressed isn’t here. And I don’t even know if the surgery will help get me pregnant. And my life is in limbo. I am pretty sure we’re moving to Albuquerque, but I at this point I won’t be able to work on a doctorate full time or get a teaching job at all. (Which is totally fine if I have a baby and incredibly frustrating if I don’t.)
My hysteroscopy and laparoscopy are next Wednesday, and six weeks after that my doctor is going to let me start the Clomid/trigger shot/IUIs again. (Fingers crossed.) I’ve been on six-month hiatus from my fertility treatments, but not by my choice. I’m terrified about the surgery, don’t want to get an IV, and am afraid of not waking up from the anesthesia. Thank goodness Mary Pat is going with me, but it still doesn’t make it better. It’s just not how I pictured any of this happening. I wish Mark was here, that my body worked, and that I didn’t need all of this help to get pregnant so we can have our family.
Mark has been awesome, but I hate it. No matter what he says and what I tell myself, I can’t help but feel guilty for the fact that my body doesn’t work correctly. It’s been my body that’s been causing the problems and keeping us from moving to the next step in our life. In my perfect life plan, I’d have had one kid already and been starting to try for number two. I want three, but I don’t feel like it’s going to be able to happen. I’ll be too old if it takes this long to have each kid. Plus, I don’t know if I can handle this emotional trauma over and over again.
Here’s the real problem: I’m a control freak, and I have little control over much of my life. Or at least it feels that way. I feel like I’m just waiting for everything to happen—waiting to finally get pregnant, waiting for Mark to get home, waiting to know where we’re going so I can figure out the next step in my life. I know, trust me, I know I have control. I can choose to see the sunshine or rain in the situations that have been handed to me. Life has just been one obstacle after the next since the ectopic pregnancy last August. (Or really, should I say since Mark lost his wedding ring and then lost on Jeopardy? =)) I just hate being in limbo.
And I feel like such a witch that I can’t feel happy for people. It’s just so hard having to try for almost three years now and not feeling like we’ve made any progress but two miscarriages. And now Mark’s not even here, so I can’t just say screw the doctors and let’s just try naturually. It is just such an empty feeling. It’s easy to feel like I’m not part of some exclusive club. I know people who have children don’t mean to do that, but it’s the way it is. They get together and talk about their kids. They forget their friends who don’t have kids. Social life changes. I get it.
For the first time, I’m not where I wanted to be in my life. Everything fell into place so quickly for me in my twenties. Jobs. School. Mark. My thirties have been harder. Trouble with pregnancy. Strained relationship with my sister. Losing my dad. Mark’s deployment. It’s been a darker time in my life, that’s for sure.
And I guess the best part of the day…100 days till I get to see Mark. It can’t come soon enough. I’ve never been a person who needed someone to make me see the bright side. I’ve always just naturally been optimistic. It’s not fun fighting the depression that comes with having Mark gone and that comes with having fertility problems. And I know I’m handling it better than some. I just can’t wait until the day that I can feel like me again…like the normal T. It’ll be great.
