It’s my last Friday at Seton. I have three days left. It’s so hard to believe that my time in D.C. has gone so quickly. I came here to teach American Literature, Honors English I, and Newspaper. I was so excited. It was my dream teaching assignment. Quickly, though I fell into campus ministry again. I was reminded of Fr. Kevin’s words to me when I left Borgia, wanting to only teach English. “In campus ministry, you get to teach life. It’s the best subject.” Fr. Kevin will always hold my Into the Woods story over my head…how I tried to make him wrong. I was sixteen years old when I wrote it, so I hope that saying that he’s right at when I’m almost thirty-two years old means a bit more than saying he wrong when I was sixteen.
I’m not sure how or why I fell back into campus ministry. I know it’s so hard for me to sit on the sidelines when something isn’t going well, and I know I have the talent to make it awesome. My first year at Seton was a nightmare on the campus ministry front. I guess I have my co-worker Rebecca to credit for pushing me with starting Encounter. If she didn’t push me to help her start that, I would have never listened to God telling me to move back into campus ministry. God definitely spoke to me through Rebecca. The irony of the last three years is that I have felt like I has been at one of the weaker points in my faith life. It’s been so hard for me to find a parish I like that’s close to home. I just don’t feel like I have those good friends from a faith community like I did in St. Louis. Of course, just when I’m leaving D.C. we get this dynamic Jesuit at Andrews who is really trying to change everything for the better. It’s too bad that he was not here for the last three years.
When I move home in 13 days, I have to make decisions about WHICH parish to go to. I’m tempted to try St. Michael’s since that’s the parish whose boundaries I actually live in. I’ll still probably go to Mass at St. Matt’s at least once a month, though, and I love going to St. Mark’s and seeing Mary Carty and Jane Brown. I know my faith life will be so much stronger in St. Louis, and honestly, I’m excited to get it back on track and make time for it.
As I think about my time at Seton, it’s hard to believe we have already had six Encounters. The class retreats are strong. Urban Plunge here has been amazing for students. And once again, students actually want to be a part of Christian Life Communities. Aaron Tyree showed me at Borgia that students would sign up and want to be a part of it, and it worked. I tried to start CLC here slowly and in the same way as I did at Borgia. Aaron, Kyle, Christie, Beth, Tim, Alecia, and Jamie helped me figure out how to do CLC well. I’m eternally grateful to them for teaching me so much about faith.
I had my last CLC with the Genesis group. They were my first CLC here. They began second semester freshman year. Originally, it began with Mia, Katie, Megan, and the two Natalies. One Natalie couldn’t make, and she dropped out her freshman year. The four of them have met with me almost every Friday for two and half years. We’ve shared hundreds of high and low points together each week. Today was bittersweet. It was hard for them. I held it together but only because I had to. Seven of us are leaving Seton. That’s not a huge turnover, but we’re a powerful seven who have really close relationships with many students. Trying to help students see the bright side of this was especially challenging this morning. Leaving this group was what I dreaded most. I so wanted to be at Seton during their entire four years.
I’m making strides on the moving prep front. I have a lot of outdoor things and cleaning to do this weekend. I think I’m going have to start it tonight just in case the rain does come this weekend. I also think I’m going to do a lot of baking this weekend to get rid of food. It should be a busy few days.
On the fertility front, my last IUI didn’t work. Not pregnant. Again. But I did ovulate, so there’s a plus. I have to find small victories. Even though I knew I wasn’t pregnant before I received the official word from the doctors, it was still hard last night after I received the phone call. I really, really thought this was it. I really, really think I was pregnant but the baby didn’t implant. I know my prognosis is getting better, but I just still feel like I am never going to have a family. I feel like my dream of having three is crushed because I’m going to be lucky to have one. I feel like everyone around me has gotten pregnant or had a kid since we started trying two years ago. I still make Mark mad at me blaming myself for this and apologizing to him for it each time I find out I am not pregnant.
I’m not going to try the next cycle because my window happens right in the middle of my move. I have my first appointment set with the infertility clinic at Barnes in St. Louis on June 11. I have an actual doctor who is MY doctor. I’m so excited about that. I feel like my stress level will be lower and they’ll be able to revise what is going on or maybe they’ll see something Walter Reed missed. Fingers crossed. The only hard part now is if I get pregnant on my first cycle in St. Louis Mark won’t be able to be at the birth. I’d be due mid-March, and he can’t leave Iraq once he only has 60 days. It just looks like it’s obstacle after obstacle.
I’m quickly learning our path isn’t going to be the typical path on so many fronts in my life. I am slowly learning to accept that and trying to see the positives in the unusual nature of our relationship and marriage. So, please keep up the prayers. We need them.
