So, I’m quickly learning that living far away from family and being a stay-at-home mom is presenting a significant challenge for me with my relationship with Emma. She’s incredibly attached to me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE that my little baby girl loves me. I LOVE that I get smiles after smiles all day long as I teach her things and as we play. After all, Mark and I worked super hard and waited very long for her to come into our lives.
However, lately, I am her world. For example, Mark is out of town this week, and so Emma and I went to the Y this morning. I handed her over to the Childcare workers, and what happens? Her lip starts to quiver, and the tears start flowing. And what I feel? Guilt. I don’t feel guilty that I am leaving her and that she is crying…rather, I feel guilty, because I know that if we lived closer to family this may not happen. I know that she’s in the age where babies are nervous around strangers. We take Emma out a lot. She’s very used to being out in public…shopping, chilling while we eat, getting pushed in her stroller while we run. You get the idea.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t get dropped off at grandma’s house or spend time with her aunts, uncles, and cousins the way other kids do. Even when we have house guests or need to have a friend babysit, she freaks out when we leave. (And she’s seen our friend every 2-3 weeks since the day she was born!)
I really want her to be easygoing, and in many ways she is. She’s great at going with the flow. We have a schedule, but it’s not set in stone. Naps can be taken in her swing, in the car, in her crib, or on a friend’s floor. She doesn’t mind being thrown in the baby bjorn or her stroller and getting out of the house. She is so good about playing on her own at home…I make sure that we don’t hold her hand constantly every minute of the day. Meals, awake time, and naps all happen, but the schedule isn’t rigid. I love that. She’s very flexible, which Mark and I wanted with the military life we have…but she’s always with us, even when we venture out and about. And I know we could get a babysitter and leave her with someone regularly at home, but on a single income, getting a babysitter is a pricey alternative. So what do we do?
I guess for now I am hoping that going to the Y more frequently helps. It’s been so pretty here and we were training for the 5k, so we were working out outside rather than inside. As the heat spikes, I know we’ll be at the Y more, so it will mean more Y childcare for Emma. I know eventually she’ll get used to the babysitters there and will enjoy playing with the other little kids. I’m hoping that I can get her used to being around family and friends when I’m home in St. Louis in June, too.
I’d love to be able to walk out the door and for her to not cry. The sad part about living far away is that family and friends in St. Louis are still strangers to her. They adore her, but she doesn’t know them, and it’s not like when she was a few months old where we could get away with pass the baby and it wasn’t a big deal. Even though she is only five and half months old, we’ve learned that Emma is a little person. She is learning what she likes and dislikes. I hope everyone is patient with her when we are home and that she warms up to everyone and realizes that even though mommy and daddy may walk out the door and leave her with someone else, we’ll always be back.
