My adorable niece Maggie on her birthday….
So this last week has been a mix of great and awful, with very little in between. What’s dwelling on my mind right now is the awful: how my sister and I who had been getting along so well had a huge fight on Friday night and she wouldn’t even come visit me before leaving St. Louis, how my fight with my sister turned into a fight with my mom, how I feel absolutely overwhelmed and unmotivated with all of the schoolwork I have to do for Seton and St. Mary’s before I go to Europe, how I failed at getting though my German lessons, how I backed out of hosting the decorating party I committed to, how I don’t want to go on St. Mary’s faculty retreat Monday and Tuesday, how tired I am of seeing pregnant people, how I was stupid and smashed the back end of my car today pulling out of my driveway, and how much I miss Mark…because all of the little problems would be so bad if he was here. I’m so tired of him being gone, and we’re just at four months, one-third of the way through this shitty time in our marriage. (Granted, he tries to look at it all more optimistically, and he’d tell you we’re halfway through the whole process since he was basically gone back in January.)
I know…a lot of negativity from this camp. Yet, the week was a good week, too. I’ve had an awesome work out week…since I started keeping track on August 2, I’ve burned more the 2,600 calories and gone 26+ miles between the elliptical or running. I’m not anywhere near the levels of my friend in Iraq, but I’m doing good work for me. I’ve loved everyone that I have met at St. Mary’s, so I *should* be excited about retreat tomorrow, right? I had a great night with my mom when we went to Vatican Splendors. I had a fun night with my sister, Mary, this past week. I had a good lunch with Leah. I’ve realized that Darcy and Scout have been like therapy dogs for me, always trying to cheer me up whenever I am down. I *HAVE* been productive even though it feels like I have a mountain of work to get through and I’m just a tiny person at the bottom of the mountain with only a few hours to get to the top.
I guess this is what depression is like. Despite my attempts of creating endorphins and staying busy, I’m grieving. I’ve realized it’s twofold, too. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my dad and Mark. I keep feeling like everything would be better if one of them were here. Dad wouldn’t have let things escalate, and I would have had fights with my mom and sister. Mark would whisk me out of the house and take me on a date to Kaldi’s and help me climb to the top of my mountain. Dad would remind me that I am doing a great job and that I am strong. Mark would help make any task fun. But dad isn’t here, and he won’t be here. And Mark’s not here, and even though I know I am lucky to get to talk to him on Skype every day, it’s not the same. It’s not as easy for him to help me smile. I know I’ve been the one making it hard the last few days, but nothing works when all I really need and want from him is a hug.
It’s so hard to stop the spiral of negativity. I know I’m the only one that has the ability to turn my frown upside down as the clichè goes, but I can’t muster the energy to do it. I’m overhwhelmed and feel like I can’t get anything finished, and everything has to be finished before I got to bed Wednesday night. Endorphins are doing the trick. Skyping with Mark isn’t doing the trick. I know things will eventually get better, but today is definitely one of those days where the end feels so far away. I want my husband back. I want our life back. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have him be the first thing I see. I want to be lazy, watch the news, and make breakfast. I want to run silly errands all day and come home and make a great dinner and drink a bottle of wine while watching television, a movie, or playing a video game. But, alas…253 days until I get that life back. Seems like forever today….
