Well, surprise, surprise. I haven’t blogged in months. My goal was once a week. Oops. Life has been beyond crazy since late August though. Out of nowhere, I got a job that I LOVE. I LOVE what I teach. I love my department. I hate my pay. I forgot how poorly adjuncts get paid, and it seems even less when you throw in daycare costs and gas. So, even though I have been offered two classes for the spring, I had to turn them down. I wouldn’t break even once I paid for Emma’s daycare and gas to get there. Pretty sad. So, it looks like it’s online teaching only for me now. It brings in extra money, but I just don’t get the interaction or get to know my students in the same way. I don’t feel like I change lives as much in a virtual world.
This week has been a trying week for me. Mark’s been gone since Sunday morning. I started work and started a graduate class on technology during the last week of August. Mark was gone for a week then. He was gone another week in September. And another week this month. And he’ll be gone a week in November and a week in December. Emma got sick this week, so I had to cancel class two days. Not a huge deal, but I’ve been sick and had to cancel twice before. I’ve come to the realization that while he’s in this particular job, I just can’t work…unless I am working full time. I wouldn’t feel AS BAD if I knew I had so many sick days and benefits. Nor would it be as bad if we were near family, but when Emma gets sick and Mark is gone, I have no back up.
Since I’ve started work (and school), I feel like I am not living life. I’m just making it. We have stopped taking care of ourselves; we’ve slacked on runs, bike rides, and walks. We’re not enjoying our time here in Texas or even spending quality time with each other. It’s work and homework. I know it’s a phase, but I’ve come to the realization this week I shouldn’t be working 60 hours a week for a job that only pays me for a fraction of that. I feel like I am a bad mom when I’m spending my evenings and weekends grading, and I feel like I am a bad teacher when I have to cancel class because she’s sick. I know, however, that being in a real classroom with students and interacting with co-workers has made my heart happy. I just hate the paradox. I feel like there are all of these puzzle pieces that need to be meshed together and I haven’t figured out how to put them together to make myself feel whole yet.
Part of me thinks I won’t get that feeling until we are back in St. Louis. We can’t wait to have our own home and to be settled. I can’t wait to have a real full-time job again. I can’t wait to have friends in our lives and to have play dates with people I know rather than complete strangers. I can’t wait for Emma to know her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents better. I know it’ll get better. I know that mid-December I will have a huge weight off my shoulders . I know that I won’t feel guilty for playing peekaboo with an adorable almost one-year-old in my kitchen.
One day…it’ll be better. One day…we’ll be settled.
