MY FAVORITE DADISMS
Prior to eating chili–”Chili today, hot tamale tomorrow!”
On the last day of the year— “I’m going to work today, and take the rest of the year off.”
At every dinner—”Bev, you’ve outdone yourself again.” And to call us to dinner, he’d start grace before we were there, screaming it loudly throughout the house.
If I had a headache: “Put your head through the window and the pain will be gone!”
When tucking me in: “Booga, booga, booga!”
I am SO incredibly glad that 2009 is almost over. It has been one of the most difficult years for me. I have had two miscarriages (both early, but one SUPER early), I have yet to get pregnant, we found out Mark was getting a year deployment (16 months including training), and my daddy died on Dec. 9. I’m not even sure which of these hurt the most.
It’s no secret that Mark and I have been trying to start a family. We’re finally making progress and getting super care at Walter Reed, and he gets a deployment. Just when we can start trying again, my dad dies and stress causes my whole cycle to be totally screwed up. I don’t think my dad’s death has really hit me yet. Day by day, his permanent absence in my life just starts sinking in. I keep remembering all of the dadisms, the precious memories he created with me, and the many hopes I had for the future with him. I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive and to create new traditions to make the hole he left in me feel smaller. The honest truth is I wish I could have had one more hug, one more kiss on my cheek, and heard him say I made him proud just one more time. I also wish I could have just had one picture of him with one of my children.
While I am super glad that 2009 is hours away from being over, I know that 2010 isn’t going to be a piece of cake either. That’s probably the understatement of the year. Mark’s gone in less than two weeks. For the first for months, I’m lucky to have a few days with him twice a month, but after that, it will just be e-mails and Skype for a year. 
I don’t think I have ever began a new year dreading it. Usually, I look at the new year as a chance to start fresh. No matter what has been going on my life, the new year was a clean slate. I looked at them with energy and looked forward to what was to come. This year, I’m just stressed about all of the situations I know I have to overcome. I have to figure out how to live without Mark after living together for four years; I’m scared about being single and living on my own again. Finding a place to live, moving, dealing with the military on my own, and finding a job are just four of the huge tasks I have looming over my head in the next five months. I know I can live without him; I did it for 27 years, but I worry about being lonely, especially while I am in D.C. without my family and close friends. Additionally, I have another huge stress in my life: a screwed up cycle and deployed husband make the chances of getting pregnant incredibly slim. I’ve had to start researching our options; it saddens me to think that having a baby isn’t necessarily going to be as natural as it should be for us (if I can get pregnant at all).
Many of my resolutions are purely ways for me to not miss Mark, make myself healthier so I can relieve stress and get pregnant, and to spend the year remembering how lucky I am to have had such a great dad for almost 32 years.
So in no particular order, my goals for 2010.
Coping with Mark’s Absence
Trying to maintain a strong relationship with someone who is gone for more than a year when you’re used to seeing that person almost every day is not easy. Luckily, Mark and I dated long distance for a year, so we know how to overcome some of what the year holds. Reading books and watching movies together and then talking about them is going to be a big part of staying sane. Doing our Mark Link prayer books together each day (via Skype or e-mail) and sharing five good things that happened with each other is also going to be important for us to grow together. I also plan on working on Mark’s Air Force scrapbook for him.
Cooking
Mark’s absence means a huge change in my life: I lose my cook. Instead of turning back the clock and eating microwave meals like I did for most of my twenties, I am going to cook. I was inspired by Julie and Julia, and while I don’t plan on trying anything nearly that elaborate, I do plan on choosing new meals each week out of my cookbooks and I may even blog about it from time to time. I’m also taking a pizza class solo and a breads class with Mark. When I get back to STL, I plan on taking a few classes through Dierbergs as well.
Writing
I have said every year that I am going to work on getting published. Since I only plan on working part-time when I move back to STL, I have decided to really delve into writing. I want to write about dad. I want to write about teaching. I want to write about service. And I want to write a fiction book with Mark while deployed…I won’t get into the details of that though; I wouldn’t want anyone to steal our idea.
Prayer Life
When dad died, I decided I am going to Mass every week. No more excuses. I bought some prayer books when I was on the last Encounter, and when Mark leaves, I am going to start working on them. I’m trying to look at our 16 months a part as a really long retreat. =) I am doing some things solo, but Mark and I are going to work on some spiritual exercise together, too.
Healthier Weight and Body
As soon as Mark leaves for Fort Dix, I’m working out 30+ minutes every day. I have noticed if I just tell myself that I am doing it five days, then I opt out of it. I would love to weigh 120, and if I do get pregnant, I’d still love to be at the weight by the time Mark gets back from Iraq. I want to be a healthy pregnant mom if I do get pregnant, and if I don’t get pregnant, I don’t have an excuse for losing a bit of weight.
New Job
I am SO burned out on my job. I love the girls, but my work load is just insane. I want a part-time job when I move home. I don’t want to bring the work home. I would love to keep work at work and not have to bring it home. I’d love to work at somewhere like Pottery Barn, a bookstore, or a photography store. I want to be around something creative, somewhere I can learn, somewhere I can interact with people, and somewhere with a good discount!
More Musical/Crafty/Artsy
I’d love to take some classes, play my instruments, learn piano and guitar better, learn violin, learn to sew, take craft classes, or even design classes.
Be More Organized
I love my mom, but I don’t want to be like her on the home organization front. I want everything to have a place and to have our closets and pantries more organized.
Dog Training
I’d love to teach our dogs a few new tricks and to teach them to be better walkers. I think it’s something I’m going to have to do on my own, though. Paying an expensive trainer this past fall was a waste of money.
Spend Time with Family and Friends
Spending time with family and friends is going to be key for me next year and will help me miss Mark less. I plan on having my mom over for dinner twice a week, seeing the Jacksons at least one evening a week, and being at Mary Pat’s one or two nights a week. I’m hoping to catch up with my many friends in STL, and to be better at keeping in touch with the other friends who live out of town. I’m so excited to have lots of quality time with my awesome Amy and Erin!
