On Hold?
So Mark did something today that he probably needed to do a long time ago. He called me out for saying that I feel like my life is “on hold”. And in many ways, this *is* how I feel lately, partially because of the military lifestyle and partially because of the fertility roller coaster.
It’s not a secret that I can’t wait until the day that we get to move back to St. Louis. I can’t wait until I can get a full-time job again and stay at it for a while. I can’t wait until I live in a house that is MINE—a house that I can paint, knock walls out of, and make our home. At this point, I don’t care about buying a big house. I want something with some character that is *ours*. I want friends. I want to feel like I belong to somewhere and something. Teaching high school is a huge part of my identity. I want to have that piece of me back.
Moving is hard. Starting over every two to four years is hard. I miss teaching high school. Mark misses flying. Is it worth waiting until he hits 15 or even 20 for financial security? Or is moving home, finding jobs, and being happy worth more? Neither of us knows the real answer to that question.
The fertility roller coaster doesn’t make my frustrations these days any easier. We’ve been trying to have number two since July. I’ve had one miscarriage, and this past week, we just finally had our orientation class with the fertility folks here in San Antonio. We wait for a few months till we get an appointment and get a doctor. Again…it makes me feel like I’m on hold. I can’t teach full-time next year. I probably (but at the same time hopefully) won’t be teaching part-time next year. When will this baby come? I was really hoping getting number two wouldn’t be as hard as getting Emma. Again…we truly are on hold just waiting for the fertility office to call, though.
But here is what I think is going to be my major challenge…maybe a New Year’s resolution that starts thirteen days late. I need to figure out how to really live my life and be in the present EVEN THOUGH I’m not doing what I want to do with my life. So how do I do that? I think it’s time for me to think about the other dreams I have. I write. I make time to do it every day. I write about dad. I write young adult fiction. I write my book for high school campus ministers. I stop dreaming about seeing my name in print and take some initiative to do it. I take sewing classes and get good enough to sell some of my products. I get back on track spiritually. I play guitar and piano. I take the risk to get more involved in the community that I live in. I’m not sure how or what that will look like, but I know that there are people like me out there who I could be friends with. I just need to figure out where I might find them.
I also work on being the best mom and wife I can be. I’m going to try to be more active with Emma when I stop teaching in the spring. Call it a pre- pre-school. I’ll check out the many activities I’ve pinned on Pinterest and pick a theme for each day–like a science day, art day, reading day, potpurri day, park day.
No more looking at houses in St. Louis. No more looking for jobs there. No more wondering and trying to plan out the next assignment. I focus on where I am. I stop thinking and feeling like my life is on hold. Because it’s not.
