I have missed my dad so much this weekend. Today’s my parents’ anniversary, and I am pretty sure part of it is that February 23, 2007 is the last time I really talked to my dad and had a normal conversation with him before the brain injury. I’ve been thinking a lot in the past few days of how I just wish I had more time to spend with him and learn from him. I really don’t feel like I learned everything I was supposed to learn.
I’ve been so stressed out lately about so much—the female part of my body not working correctly and how that affects my chances of having a baby, Mark’s absence and deployment, finding a house in St. Louis, staying motivated about my work at Seton, trying to figure out where I am in my faith life—and I have realized that when I was really upset about things like this, I’d talk to dad. I’d vent, and somehow, he always found the words to make me feel better and to make me feel loved. In my last conversation with him, I was so upset and stressed—but for different reasons. Some of my family members flipped out when they heard that Mark and I had a legal wedding prior to our Catholic wedding because of the military (keeping in mind the entire legal wedding was suggested first by our priest). Dad told me not to let this family member stress me out; it was my life and none of her business. He took my side, stood up for me, supported me, and loved me. He always helped put things in perspective. Even if someone else said the same words, it meant more coming from my dad, and I was always able to just let go of whatever was bugging me. I can’t imagine how hard today is for my mom. Dad always made their anniversary special—flowers, dinner out, a special gift and card. I can’t believe that it’s been three years since Dad and I really talked.
At his funeral, I promised him that I’d start going to Church more. Even though I was exhausted this morning and I hate the singers on base, I woke up and went because I promised Dad that I would. I’ve felt like such a hypocrite being a campus minister. Finding a faith community that I fit into has been so hard since I left St. Louis. In St. Louis, I had two parishes I loved going to and attending: St. Matt’s in North City and St. Mark’s where I could listen to Mary Carty. I had so many friends from retreats; I felt like I had such a good community of friends. Since St. Louis, I just can’t find a place where I fit in. It’s been so challenging. And since most of my close friends are people from retreats or Church, I don’t have those good friendships either. I’ve realized that’s also a huge part of what’s been making this distance from Mark so unbearable: I don’t feel like I have any real friends in D.C. So wherever we move next, I’ve got to change. We need to find a good faith community wherever we go. I have to have a real, true support network of friends outside of Mark and the Air Force. And I need to live OFF BASE so it’s easy for me to find ways to create community.
The biggest challenge is going to be figuring out how to keep myself from getting depressed while I live here in D.C. I feel like it is too late in the game to start many of the things I want to start. So, here’s what I have control of to change my mood and to help me feel less stressed and lonely.
I need to work out. Every day. Only excuse is being sick.
I need to work on my prayer life. I need to use the books I have bought and start stimulating myself spiritually.
Since I’ve given up the hope of finding good friends here, I am going to immerse myself in my books. I’m starting to re-read some of the books that I love and that inspire me—Bridget Jones, anything by Jane Austen, my Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Harry Potter.
I’m going to find ways to get out of the house like Mark wants me to do.
I’m going to play hard with my puppies and make sure that they know that I LOVE them.
I’m going to work hard on taking care of T first. I never do that. Papers will get graded when they get graded. I’ll meet the deadlines with Regis. I’m going to take control of what I can take control of and work to getting me happy again so that I am a better teacher and worker.
I’m going to call my mom every day. I think she and I both need that.
I’m going to plan dates with Mark and not let what happened Friday-Saturday ever happen again.
I’m going to stop letting the internet suck my time.
I’m going to try to work on reconnecting with my friends.
OK so I set some pretty tough goals for myself. Better get moving so I can accomplish at least some of them today!
