I should be working. Emma is at the daycare she loves. I’m home. Liam’s sleeping. And as I was texting Mark and asking him to call me before he picks up Emma, I start crying.
The world is a hard place for moms like me. I’ve made my peace with sending Emma to daycare and next year to pre-school. I know and she knows that she needs to learn things that mommy and daddy can’t teach her at home. She needs to learn how to listen to other adults. She needs to learn how to play with other kids and share. She needs to learn to follow structure since at home we pretty much live by unstructured free play time. She needs to learn how to follow the rules and how her actions affect others. She needs friends.
But Liam…my heart isn’t ready to let him go. In my head, I know that he’ll basically sleep and eat while he’s there from 8 a.m. until I get him around 3:30 or 3:45 p.m. each day. But I don’t want him to miss any firsts. I don’t want him to forget that I’m his mommy. We have an amazing daycare provider. I’ve had strangers who have used her rave about her and how much her kids have loved being there. She has two adorable little boys who are well-behaved and polite…just like I want Liam to be.
And I totally know that it is better for me to work. I want my kids to remember that their mommy thought it was important to help big kids and adults learn new things and become better people. I love what I do. It has a piece of my heart, too, and when I was home with Emma I felt depressed, isolated, and unfulfilled without it. Even with this heartbreak about leaving Liam, I know what I am doing is right for me. I just wish it was easier. I wish my work had on-site daycare so I could visit and feed him during a break. I hate how our society is…I get jealous every time I see the infographic on Pinterest about much more supportive other countries are about helping their moms who want to work be successful workers and moms.
I know what I am doing is right. I know it will be hard and first, and it will get easier. I am not ready for my time with Liam to end…I love watching this little boy sleep and having him cuddle with me while he eats or while I burp him. I love being able to soothe him when his belly aches or when he needs cuddles. I love watching his smiles when he gets to stretch on the floor. Today, when I put him down for tummy time, I laid down next to him and watch his eyes lock with mine as he smiled.
I know I have weekends, half days, three-day weekends, holiday breaks, and next summer…I just wish there was a perfect solution that allowed my heart to feel complete without hurting the other parts of it.
