So it’s been impossible lately to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have so much school work to do and cleaning to do, but I can’t find the energy to do it. I venture out for a tutoring session and to the gym, and that’s about all I can muster these days. I fight the desire to take nap every day.
The combination of Mark being gone and still trying to make my way through all of this fertility stuff has been a difficult journey. I was really hoping that I’d be on my second month of IUIs again, or better yet, that I’d be early in my pregnancy. It took a month to get my referral from Walter Reed to show up in the Tricare system, and then when it did show up it was denied because the referral was supposed to come from my PCM. Who knew?
So instead of having to pick a doctor in STL, I gave up and just decided to go to Scott for my routine healthcare. And it turns out the there is A DOCTOR a Scott AFB who is doing fertility stuff. I didn’t get in to see her until the end of July, and she wanted to redo all of my labs and tests that I had done last summer. In my HSG last week (where they shoot dye into your fallopian tubes to make sure that they are clear), she noticed that my uterus has what is called a septum at the top of it. This means I have bloodless flesh where it shouldn’t be, and most likely it’s making implantation difficult. It could be the logical explanation for the two miscarriages and for the fact I’ve felt pregnancy symptoms but then started my period.
So, I have to have surgery—a hysteroscopy. But, because endometriosis runs in the Clancy family, she’s also going to do a laparoscopy to check for that. The recovery time for the laparoscopy is two weeks with no heavy lifting, and the first date they could get me in is August 11, which a week before my sister-in-law and I leave for Europe…definitely not the recommended recovery period. So, I won’t go through the procedure until September, and then that means I probably won’t have an IUI until late September or October at the earliest. I feel like I’m never going to get pregnant, I hate being a medical pin cushion, and Mark’s not here with me to be my stress relief. And, of course, everyone around me is pregnant again.
On top of all of this, Mark is gone, and we have no idea where we are going next. The eternal planner in me has nothing to plan and look forward to. I just want to figure out what is going on when Mark and I get to have our life together again. Don’t get me wrong. I am so, so, so thankful for Skype. I can’t imagine going through a year without getting to see the pixelated image of my husband. Everything going on lately has reminded me though that it is just a pixelated image: Mark couldn’t hold my hand through the HSG, he couldn’t give me a hug after I learned out that my surgery was getting postponed until September, and he can’t be by my side when the surgery actually happens.
In 141 days, Mark is home for 15 days. In 270 days, this horrendous year is over. I can’t wait.
